Stupid
by peppermintshoes
Summary: In which Matsumoto is drunk, Kira is stupid and Hitsugaya acquires a new desk ornament.


Written, as usual, for silentbunny whose family was driving her nuts, just like Matsumoto does to Hitsugaya.

Title: Stupid (because once again I utterly FAIL at titles)  
Rating: PG for Hitsugaya wearing his cranky pants  
Disclaimer: I do not own bleach, nor any of its characters.  
Summary: In which Matsumoto is drunk, Kira is stupid and Hitsugaya acquires a new desk ornament.

Over the centuries Hitsugaya had learnt to pick his battles with Matsumoto very carefully. For example yelling at her for coming in to work hungover often elicited the response of her coming to work drunk instead. Similarly, scolding her too frequently for her tardiness often resulted in her skipping work entirely, and hence he had learnt to "ration" his disciplines. So when he opened the door to their shared office one night to find her sprawled across _his_ desk with a bottle of sake in each hand and at least six other Shinigami in the room, he promptly shut the door and walked away. By the look of things, the office had already been sufficiently trashed by Matsumoto and her cronies and he knew (from past experience, sadly) that any intervention on his behalf would likely lead only to further destruction of both personal and divisional property. As long as they didn't disrupt the rest of the division, Hitsugaya figured they could stay where they were. He would make Matsumoto clean the office in the morning. Or possibly the afternoon. Tomorrow evening even. It depended on when - if at all - she turned up to work, really.

Letting himself into his personal quarters - which were, quite regrettably, directly next to the office - he changed quickly into his sleeping Yukata. He was just tying the front when the doors burst open to reveal a very red-faced Matsumoto and an even redder Kira.

Upon seeing his attire, Matsumoto squealed and stumbled over to hug her Captain, declaring him "cute" and "glompable". Hitsugaya had no idea what the hell "glompable" was, however since Matsumoto had said it he was certain it wasn't a good thing.

Scowling, he shoved Matsumoto away from him. "What do you want?" he demanded.

"Ne, Taichou, so unkind. I just wanted to ask you for a tiny tiny favour."

Hitsugaya's eyes narrowed. "Whatever it is, Matsumoto, the answer is most certainly no."

"But Taichouuuuuu" she whined "you don't even know what I was going to ask you."

"I don't need to, the answer is still no."

"But we need some more sake. Just a few more bottles. Pleeeeease?"

"You know what, Matsumoto, I think I've changed my mind." He watched Matsumoto's face brighten with a sense of sadistic satisfaction. It was so much _fun_ to get her hopes up and then crush them. "The answer's not no, its _HELL NO!_"

Matsumoto pouted and stalked out of the room. Like her captain, she knew - even in her inebriated state - that there were some battles which simply could not be won. And when her Captain said "hell no", he meant it. Unfortunately, Kira did not possess this same knowledge, and consequently lacked the wisdom to simply follow Matsumoto's lead and leave the snowy-haired Captain alone.

"C'mon Hitsugaya-Taichou, do what the lady says, why don't ya?" Kira ignored the death stare being directed his way and continued, oblivious to the excessively large hole he was digging himself into. "After all, you shouldn't leave a pretty lady like her hangin'. Why don't ya just get the sake like the pretty lady asked?"

"Get. Out. Of. My. Room." Hitsugaya announciated carefully, stressing each individual word so that Kira, even in his drunken state, could understand him perfectly.

Kira did not take kindly to being told what to do and with Hitsugaya's words something seemed to snap. "HOW DARE YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO?!" The usually soft-spoken man roared, his face turning a quite alarming shade of crimson. "ALL WE WANT IS MORE SAKE. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR? IS IT? YOU SHOULD BE MORE POLITE, YOU KNOW. YOU'RE NOTHING MORE THAN A WHINY, UNGRATEFUL... KID!"

A vein throbbed behind Hitsugaya's temple as Kira continued his tirade, oblivious to the fate that beheld him. Hitsugaya's left eye twitched, however his grimace soon turned to a smirk. His expression suddenly took on a dangerous quality as he reached into his pile of discarded clothes and withdrew Hyourinmaru, still sheathed.

"I'm warning you, Kira. One more word and you're toast."

Kira continued shouting, oblivious.

"That's it, Kira. You asked for it."

Hitsugaya gripped Hyourinmaru's hilt and drew the sword. "Sit upon the frozen heavens, Hyourinmaru!".

All the way from the thirteenth division barracks, the remnant sounds of breaking wood and shattering ice could be heard. Meanwhile, a certain white-haired Captain slept soundly, content in the knowledge that not only had he scared his vice-captain into coming in to work the next day, but that the office had a brand new ice sculpture that strongly resembled six unseated shinigami and a blonde emo vice-captain frozen to a desk...


End file.
